Weekly Devotion: Jeremiah 29:11

Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know plans that I have for you, declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."

What regrets do you have in your life? I still remember myself not being an excellent student and son. I was into playing games, and I did not spend much time on studies and with family. Though I can say that I did not give up on those things, I know that I consider those time as a failure deep inside my heart. It hurts and eats me. This pain has not disappeared ever since. I am hurt when I study for I remember my past. I am sad when I see my family because of it. I had to run away. And I did. I ran away. I desperately threw myself into games, and it brought happiness and enjoyment momentarily. But it never scraped the deep, rotten, black chunk that killed me. I was dead. Yes, I was dead. Indeed, I was tormenting myself through pushing aside that clotted chunk. I could not turn back and return for I was afraid and feared. I cannot overcome the pain.

I grew up in a culture where I have no purpose in my life besides being A+ student. I was taught that I am meaningless if I do not get in A's in classes, and I never was. Whenever I was not the best in the class, I was crushed and fell into despair, because I thought I lost purpose of my life. I was taught that I had to be good in studying, because I was born in a poor family. If I am not even better than other students in class, I was worthless. If I was not best in the class, I was worthless. Think about it, what can a poor man can do if he is not even better in studying than other students in the class? I feared that I would become worthless man and brought despair to my family. 

Though my parents’ intention may have been different, I lived a life being compared with other students. I lived a life as a miserable and worthless kid since I attended the system called school. Since I was a child, I was being compared. Those who are smart, intelligent, and talented people were used to ask myself that "Why I cannot be the one like that?" On the family table, this was the conversation. Why those kids are excellent and why I am not. I was endlessly compared. I had to attend many different schools after elementary school so that I could be smarter, but it only brought miserable feeling that I am not worthy.

Was I lacking in effort? Was I really worth as much as trash? I don't know! But just because one is different than another does not mean that he is not worthy. I believe that it just means he is meant to be different. He has different talents.

I cannot believe that I lived this miserable life believing stupid saying that I am worthless since I did not get A’s in school. 

Now I know that I am not worthless ever since I walked my path with Jesus Christ. He tells me a different thing. He tells me that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. He tells me that I am worthy. He tells me that he loves me. He tells me that I can do great things. 

Here now, I come down humbly to the Lord and declare that he is almighty. When I am doubting myself during the hard time, you are with me and tell that I am not alone. I am able to keep move on, because I have faith in you though it shakes. You have a plan for me, I wish to be obedient in your plan. I am sorry that I always ran away from you, I wish to believe that it was all part of your plan. I would like you use the lyrics from "Meant to be" by Steven Curtis Chapman,

Long before you drew your first breath
A dream was coming true

God wanted to give a gift to the world
So he wrapped it up in you

Every step that you've taken
Every move that you make
Is part of his plan

You were meant to be touching
The lives that you touch
And meant to be here
Making this world so much more
Than it would be without you in it

You were meant to be bringing
The gifts that you bring
And singing the songs
You've been given to sing

You are perfectly, wonderfully,
Beautifully meant to be
You were meant to be

Long before you took your first fall
You stumbled to the ground
God started telling the story of you to the angles around
Every failure and victory
Everything inbetween
Its all in his hand

You were meant to be touching
The lives that you touch
And meant to be here
Making this world so much more
Than it would be without you in it

You were meant to be bringing
The gifts that you bring
And singing the songs
You've been given to sing

You are perfectly, wonderfully,
Beautifully meant to be
You were meant to be (yeah)
Meant to be
You are
You are
You are meant to be
You are
You are
You are meant to be

For every breath that your taking
And every move that you make
It's a meaningful life you've been given
Live it well

You were meant to be touching
The lives that you touch
And meant to be here
Making this world so much more
Than it would be without you in it

You were meant to be bringing
The gifts that you bring
And singing the songs
You've been given to sing

You are perfectly, wonderfully,
Beautifully meant to be (yeah)
You were meant to be (yeah)
You were meant to be (yeah)
You were meant to be
To be
You were meant to be

I do not want to go anywhere without you. I am sick of running away. I am going to face the world again. No matter how much I fall, I am going to stand up and fight back. What kind of miserable life has my life has been? I shall not look back now. I will look forward. What kind of hardship is in front of me oh LORD? I cannot know or understand your vast plan for me. When I am in darkness, you become my lighthouse and shelter. When I walk in vain, you are standing and watching me. You are waiting patiently until I turn myself back to you. What a gracious God. Praise my heavenly father who gave me freedom. I want to overcome my fear and get closer to you. I am thank you for approaching me and telling me that I am not alone. The world that you created is indeed in your palm and presence. Everywhere I go, you will be there. Even when I am lost, you will guide me back to right path and deliver me. My shepherd. I cannot run away from your presence and spirit. My Lord, protect my heart and spirit.